My weird dreams

I'm not sure why, but for the past week and a half or so I've been having some weird dreams. Now everyone has odd dreams every now and then, but this is particularly odd in my case for two reasons. First, I never remember my dreams, and these have been both clear and vivid. Second, they're f-ing weird. I mean really weird. Here's a rundown of what's been going on in my head:

Optimus Primate- This one is a favorite. Everyone loves Transformers. Everyone loves primates. I had a dream last week about two warring factions of robots, except they all looked like Optimus Prime and had gorilla heads, hands, and feet. Even better, the two factions looked exactly the same and couldn't tell each other apart, so they were constantly killing the wrong gang members.

They were totally more intimidating in my dream

Army Men- Remember in Toy Story when the Army Men came to life? I dreamed that I was a member of the infantry unit in the Army Men Army. I don't know why. I distinctly remember being extremely frustrated that my feet were stuck together, as I was forced to waddle and couldn't run anywhere. Although I didn't take part in any battles in my dream, I'm sure I was a badass.

Hero Shark- This one is an odd coincidence in light of the earlier water slide post. This dream takes place in flooded subway tunnels. There are schools of barracuda chasing after people stuck in the tunnels. I am a shark. I don't want to attack the people, but somehow I'm in the tunnels, hate barracuda, and want to do something about it. The rest of the dream is me eating barracuda and saving people. Pretty sweet.

Worst Monster Ever- This dream was from last night. Some of you might remember Starship Troopers, the movie with the futuristic soldiers protecting the world from alien bug swarms bent on eating everyone. This dream takes place in a similar scenario. I'm a soldier in the army and I'm on the front lines of an invasion. There's the expected running around and shooting, but oddly I never see the alien until the very end of my dream. And thank goodness. Please keep in mind that the entire dream to this point was extremely realistic and high-tech looking. The aliens literally looked like this:

I present to you, dear readers, the... Octomoose?

This is not my poorly-drawn description, this is exactly what they looked like. 2-D and everything. At this point I woke up, but I'm fairly certain that my character in the dream was thinking something along the lines of "WTF?!?" Yeah, me too.

So there you have it- a small insight into the mind of yours truly. I'm so very sorry for you.

The most amazing news story of all time

Wow. Just wow. Normally I wouldn't report on real news, but this falls somewhere between amazing and legendary.

Let me frame this for you: did anyone see Jaws 3-D? No, I didn't think so. The basic premise of the movie is that the son of the cop/hero, Brody, in the first movie works at Sea World. A (new) 35-foot shark gets trapped in the park and wreaks havoc. Ridiculous, right? No, NOT ridiculous. Feast your eyes on this! For those who can't open the link, the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas has a water slide. Next to the water slide is a shark tank... What happens when an ambitious shark decides to make a break for it? He jumps the tank and hits the water slide. You read correctly. A *&$%#$ shark jumped onto a $%*#^@ water slide. And there are pictures:

Yes!


Double yes!

To all of you out there who think that sharks aren't awesome, consider yourself corrected. In the realm of the implausible, does this mean that nuclear bombs detonated in asteroids really could save the earth from destruction a la Armageddon? I'll let the photos above be the judge...

Clippers are a sound investment

I enjoy mocking the unfortunate. A lot. And apparently you like reading my mockery of the unfortunate. You're welcome. In the spirit of fairness, today I'd like to turn my passive-aggressive rage towards something of which we've all been a victim- terrible hair styles. Like you, I've been the victim a follicular faux pas once or twice in my lifetime. Here are some of my favorite (although I can't lay claim to ownership of all of these). I encourage you to share any horrifying stories from your dark and sinister pasts as well.

The mullet- One can only assume that unless you live under a rock, you know of the legendary mullet. Business in the front, party in the rear. Real men wear mullets. The mullet holds a special place in my heart because it was worn by the most skilled craftsman in television history. That's right- Angus (Mac) MacGyver. He disarmed a nuclear weapon with a paperclip. Oh, and did I mention that he turned a TV into a bomb? Yeah, that really happened...all thanks to the mullet. Some wonder if the mullet had magical powers back then- and the answer is yes.

Man. Mullet. Hero.

Fictional. Still loves mullets.

Frosted tips- Yes, I am guilty of this one. Go ahead and laugh, I've had years to get over it. No one really knows where frosted tips originated, but it is generally believed that it was invented by the same guy who invented the polyester suit- Stephen Hawking. Most people have no idea that in addition to theoretical cosmology and quantum gravity, Stephen has written numerous articles on the scientific implications of bleaching 20% of your hair's length.

Yes, this is how he rolls.

Island braids- hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You went on vacation and decided that weaving multicolored plastic beads into your hair would be a good idea. For the love of god, please pay attention- if you are over the age of 13, you should know better. This hairstyle makes you look like the illegitimate child of Rick James.

I must add a caveat here. Bonus points will be awarded for any bald people daring enough to try the island braid.

The curse of the camera strikes again

The rat tail- This "style" is a personal favorite of mine. The unholy union of a ponytail and a mullet, the rat tail is perhaps the dirtiest looking hairstyle of the 1980s. And that's saying a lot. It was also far more prevalent in middle class America due to its seemingly non-threatening appearance. Parents assumed that because it didn't require a hair tie or blow drying that it was a passable style. Little did they know...

I can't afford to cut all of the hair on my head. What to do?

The Brooklyn blowout- This style is theorized to be the downfall of humanity. The borough produced one of man's greatest and most terrible feats in the blowout. For those not familiar with this look, grab a paperclip, walk to the nearest wall outlet, electrocute yourself, then get a fake tan and wax your eyebrows. This is how the blowout must be worn. More than a style, it is a way of life. A horrible, horrible way of life.

Don't adjust your monitors, they really are orange.

Honorable mentions: The Hi-top Fade, Beehive, Mohawk, and Perm.

The list goes on and on, but let's hear what you have to say. What are your favorites?

Zombies- misunderstood community members?

The topic of zombies in society is a hotly contested one. While many believe that they are dangerous flesh eating monsters, it has been proven that they can be incorporated quite effectively into society. We see them every day- former presidential candidates, lead singers of 60's-era rock bands, mail carriers, etc. Despite this, the majority of us still hold the prejudice that they are merely undead denizens of the earth, casually plodding around our neighborhoods in search of dinner. Untrue. Well, mostly untrue. They do like dinner, but who doesn't? Zombies help us in limitless ways.

Let's face it, the world is full of stupid people. While anyone reading this blog is clearly in danger of electrocution by intentionally sticking a paper clip into an electrical outlet, there are people even worse off. Enter the zombies. Here are some hard facts: zombies are slow moving, they don't know how to open doors, and they bump into stuff all the time. These three facts prove that anyone caught and subsequently eaten by a zombie EXHIBITS WORSE BEHAVIOR THAN THAT! Do you really want these people walking the streets and potentially breeding? Me either. We owe a big "thank you!" to our putrid friends.

How many times during the day do you think that a monkey could do your job? Probably all of you who are monkeys. Those that are human might think so too, but nothing ever changes despite our collective whining. We still come to work and complain. Well no longer! Zombies are perfect contributors to the workforce. We can make them do dumb jobs like picking up litter or performing neurosurgery (because who knows brains like zombies?) and put our living time to better use.

Bob from accounting smells a little, but he balances a ledger like nobody's business

One last thing. All of this talk of zombies being unable to articulate sentences just because they're dead is ridiculous. George Bush can't either, and he's alive.

That better not be Merlot...

Before we go waving our accusatory fingers at whomever ate the dog, let's try to prevent our irrational fear of our formerly-breathing compatriots from getting the better of us. Zombies are people too... just not living ones.

Things that should never come out of a can

Like most of you, I will eat pretty much anything that comes from a can. I'm not sure if it's the highly durable container or delicate flavor of metal, but I'm glad that the can caught on. However, there are things I would never want to see come out of a can. Some are food, some are edible but not food, and others are not appropriate for cylindrical storage. Here are five:

1. Gary Busey- For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Busey, he is truly terrifying. Don't believe me? Just find yourself a copy of the short-lived "I'm with Busey" TV show, a homage to the man, myth, legend, and possible devil incarnate. This harbinger of doom has far too much coke-induced rambling to be restricted to the small confines of a can. It just isn't meant to be. Check him out in action and then tell me he should be in a can...I think not.
   
   
2. Eggs- I'm not sure what it is about the idea of eggs in a can that grosses me out. Maybe it's the thought of all of those little guys being forced to share space when they used to have their own protein based condos. Perhaps it's the sound pouring eggs out of a can would make. Or maybe it's because EGGS IN A CAN WOULD BE DISGUSTING.
   
   
3. Giraffes- There are so many reasons why giraffes should never come in cans. First off, giraffes are far too large to fit in them. Second, building a can large enough to accommodate a giraffe would sap valuable natural resources and engineering manpower. Clearly not an efficient use of time.
   
   
   
   Proof positive that this is a ludicrous combination
   
   
4. Magnets- After exhaustive research and numerous conversations with leaders in the scientific community, it was decided that magnets in a can would be far too dangerous an undertaking for mankind. Ever see movies where the premise is that creating a rip in the time-space continuum would cause irreparable damage to the universe? Yeah, that would happen. And the last thing we need is another Jean Claude Van Damme movie about it.
   
   
   
   He can't be stopped, so don't get him started
   
   
5. Anything starting with the letter "Q"- I dare you to find one thing. Just one. Q is officially the least supportive letter of the can packing movement.