Zombies- misunderstood community members?

The topic of zombies in society is a hotly contested one. While many believe that they are dangerous flesh eating monsters, it has been proven that they can be incorporated quite effectively into society. We see them every day- former presidential candidates, lead singers of 60's-era rock bands, mail carriers, etc. Despite this, the majority of us still hold the prejudice that they are merely undead denizens of the earth, casually plodding around our neighborhoods in search of dinner. Untrue. Well, mostly untrue. They do like dinner, but who doesn't? Zombies help us in limitless ways.

Let's face it, the world is full of stupid people. While anyone reading this blog is clearly in danger of electrocution by intentionally sticking a paper clip into an electrical outlet, there are people even worse off. Enter the zombies. Here are some hard facts: zombies are slow moving, they don't know how to open doors, and they bump into stuff all the time. These three facts prove that anyone caught and subsequently eaten by a zombie EXHIBITS WORSE BEHAVIOR THAN THAT! Do you really want these people walking the streets and potentially breeding? Me either. We owe a big "thank you!" to our putrid friends.

How many times during the day do you think that a monkey could do your job? Probably all of you who are monkeys. Those that are human might think so too, but nothing ever changes despite our collective whining. We still come to work and complain. Well no longer! Zombies are perfect contributors to the workforce. We can make them do dumb jobs like picking up litter or performing neurosurgery (because who knows brains like zombies?) and put our living time to better use.

Bob from accounting smells a little, but he balances a ledger like nobody's business

One last thing. All of this talk of zombies being unable to articulate sentences just because they're dead is ridiculous. George Bush can't either, and he's alive.

That better not be Merlot...

Before we go waving our accusatory fingers at whomever ate the dog, let's try to prevent our irrational fear of our formerly-breathing compatriots from getting the better of us. Zombies are people too... just not living ones.

Things that should never come out of a can

Like most of you, I will eat pretty much anything that comes from a can. I'm not sure if it's the highly durable container or delicate flavor of metal, but I'm glad that the can caught on. However, there are things I would never want to see come out of a can. Some are food, some are edible but not food, and others are not appropriate for cylindrical storage. Here are five:

1. Gary Busey- For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Busey, he is truly terrifying. Don't believe me? Just find yourself a copy of the short-lived "I'm with Busey" TV show, a homage to the man, myth, legend, and possible devil incarnate. This harbinger of doom has far too much coke-induced rambling to be restricted to the small confines of a can. It just isn't meant to be. Check him out in action and then tell me he should be in a can...I think not.
   
   
2. Eggs- I'm not sure what it is about the idea of eggs in a can that grosses me out. Maybe it's the thought of all of those little guys being forced to share space when they used to have their own protein based condos. Perhaps it's the sound pouring eggs out of a can would make. Or maybe it's because EGGS IN A CAN WOULD BE DISGUSTING.
   
   
3. Giraffes- There are so many reasons why giraffes should never come in cans. First off, giraffes are far too large to fit in them. Second, building a can large enough to accommodate a giraffe would sap valuable natural resources and engineering manpower. Clearly not an efficient use of time.
   
   
   
   Proof positive that this is a ludicrous combination
   
   
4. Magnets- After exhaustive research and numerous conversations with leaders in the scientific community, it was decided that magnets in a can would be far too dangerous an undertaking for mankind. Ever see movies where the premise is that creating a rip in the time-space continuum would cause irreparable damage to the universe? Yeah, that would happen. And the last thing we need is another Jean Claude Van Damme movie about it.
   
   
   
   He can't be stopped, so don't get him started
   
   
5. Anything starting with the letter "Q"- I dare you to find one thing. Just one. Q is officially the least supportive letter of the can packing movement.
   

4 Useless Things

It occurred to me this morning that there are tons and tons of useless inventions that have somehow managed to cling to life for far too long. Ridiculous inventors have been sitting around in their lairs for years (like those guys who have bubbling beakers of green liquid and electrical current jumping from place to place for no apparent reason in their basements). Today I intend to blow this conspiracy wide open by exposing some of the perpetrators of this elaborate ruse. I present to you, my loyal reader(s?), the worst inventions of all time:

1. The Boomerang

Child: Mommy, I want something completely useless from the fair. Something potentially dangerous, but mostly purposeless.
Mom: Hmmm, let's see if they have a boomerang stand.
Child: Yay! A wooden toy/weapon that I'll never use, perfect!

Secret's out, boomerang. You suck.

The premise behind this stupid thing is awesome enough- it was originally used by Aborigines as a weapon to hunt small and mid-sized creatures. Then? Kick-ass. Now? Waste of time. No one has a giant field in which to throw a boomerang. More importantly, no one takes the time to learn to throw it properly because, when thrown correctly, it comes back and KILLS YOU. I hate this thing.

2. The Moustache

I may catch some flak on this one, but I genuinely believe that the moustache is perhaps man's biggest waste of time. Hear me out, Yosemite Sam. The moustache has many nicknames- Flavor Saver, Misplaced Eyebrow, Sure Sign That You Lack Common Sense- and seems like a counter-intuitive design. No one has ever voiced concern that their upper lip is particularly cold and there should be a way of manipulating human evolution to correct this. Further, growing facial hair is a luxury for the lazy. Shaving everything else and then styling the 'stache is MORE work, thereby contradicting what grizzly patriots have been fighting for since the dawn of time.

This face, and this shirt, were both socially acceptable in the 80's.

Let's take a look at what human ruin the moustache has wrought. Joseph Stalin. Adolf Hitler. Hulk Hogan. The Village People. The list of terror goes on and on. Let this serve as a warning to lip caterpillars everywhere: your evil will no longer be tolerated.

3. Furbies

This is a bit of a throwback, but one that has stuck in my mind since the first time I saw one of these little bastards. Here's the premise- an animatronic freak show designed to interact with users based on voice commands. Here's the problem, or rather, the huge list of problems. First, the thing looks like the unholy union of an owl and an abominable snowman. The eerily large eyes and deformed body convey a jumble of genetic coding found exclusively in the depths of West Virginia.

Under all that fur it looks a lot like the Terminator. How odd...

Second, it never stops talking. Despite your best efforts to kill it, the batteries seem to last forever. Here's a true story: I used to run a video game store, one that carried a particularly large selection of toys during the holiday season. Guess what item spontaneously turned on during the second week of November and didn't shut up for a month and a half? You guessed it. We were eventually forced to (and yes, we really did this) drown it in the sink to get it to stop making periodic dumb noises throughout the day.

Third, someone decided to make accessories that kids simply HAD to have. Here's a prime example:

I'd rather slam my face in a car door than read this.

The worst part of the Furbie epidemic is the fact that it opened the door for a number of annoying robotic pets. I'm sure that at the core of this whole economic disaster is a Tickle Me Elmo laughing his furry red ass off.

4. The two-dollar bill and other equally pointless units of currency

Oh two-dollar bill, I can't imagine why you were ever removed from circulation. Maybe it was the fact that NO ONE NEEDS YOU...EVER. Carrying two one-dollar bills in not an inconvenience. In fact, it's a pleasure because I know that I can get anything on the McDonald's dollar menu and have change left over. The two-dollar bill was a waste of a perfectly good political figure in Thomas Jefferson, and should have been used for someone dumb like President William Howard Taft instead:

"I was as useless as the bill I should have been printed on." -WHT

Beyond the immensely stupid $2 bill, we have the $.50 piece. Now I'll give this one a little slack because I liked Kennedy, but why does it have to be the size of a frisbee? Two quarters is far more manageable and won't leave your pocket swaying like a sack of marbles, either. What else could this coin be used for? Paper weight? Coaster? Manhole cover? All of the above.

Shown 1/3 actual size

Also receiving an honorable mention in this list is the nickel. The dime is twice your value and half your size. You're not as bad as the half-dollar, but you're still a waste of valuable uranium.

So there are some of the things I find to be completely useless. What are some of yours and why?

Agitator's Gone Global

The Daily Agitator's crack team of interweb experts has uncovered an astounding find. Apparently, The Curmudgeon's blog has been viewed in both Germany and the Netherlands. "By whom" do you ask? Beats me. I get lost three blocks from home.

Nevertheless, if you are out there freund and vriend, I don't know how you found me, but you'd better not try to sell me pharmaceuticals or tell me I won an anonymous internet lottery. I've learned from my 3rd and 4th mistakes. If, however, you come in goodwill, I wonder if your people are as messed up as the ones already reading the hopeless meanderings of this blog. I sincerely hope not- for all of our sakes.

"There's only one blog I read, and that's [insert name here]."

Here's the next challenge, people, so pay attention! The Daily Agitator needs to be represented on at least five of the nine, ten, or however many continents there are on this planet. Call it brazen, foolhardy, or egomaniacal. I call it destiny. If we work together- and by that I mean you work for me in exchange for nothing- we can do this. Email those random connections you have in Argentina! Instant Message that ex-boyfriend in Australia! Pester your old college friends via inexpensive text message or calls during off-peak hours in any other country that starts and ends with an "A" (Angola? Albania? So many to choose from)! We can discover how many countries and continents a poorly written, completely self-indulgent blog can reach. Yes we can!

Oh internet, how do I love thee?

I was sitting in my living room yesterday letting my mind wander. Normally this would last until the end of a commercial break or the microwave beeps, but for some reason I had a prolonged period of reflection. Clearly this is not a good scenario for someone like me, as someone like you can attest to. Between ADD and an overactive imagination, my mind tends to travel in some strange directions if left unchecked.

On this particular afternoon, the subject of the aforementioned reflection drifted to my intense love for the internet. Now many of us feel an affinity for all things digital. We love our digital cameras, our satellite radios, fancy internet-capable phones, laptops, hi-speed connections- you get the point. But for me, this is more than a mere marriage of convenience. I truly love the internet. Let me give you a few examples of how the internet has changed my life for the better (and sometimes worse, and mostly not at all, but that ruins the sentiment of this post so just go with it).

Digg.com: Oh Digg, how in the world did I gather random and sometimes purely false news before you existed? You amass such an abundance of random information that, on occasion, I lose myself for hours in your 12-point font embrace. Your community is populated by nerds like me, aching for acceptance through smarmy 1-paragraph synopses intended to draw attention to the exciting bit of info they've dug up while avoiding excel spreadsheets. You may be wrought with falsehoods and regurgitated babble that I read three months ago from another poster, but my adoration is boundless. You complete me.

I know that's a shovel, but I wish it was me...

StumbleUpon: Where should I even begin? You're a toolbar add-on that lets me click a button to be teleported to random sites- with little to no regard for relevance or content. Could this possibly be tailored for anyone on this planet more than me? I think not. Sometimes you find me news sites, sometimes it's terrible flash games. Every now and then you think I have need for something like this:

Cirrus is full of itself, and Cumulonimbus has a bit of a drinking problem.

Now that I know about cloud formations I can feel that tiny void in my soul slowly filling. Despite everything, you are always there for me...until I update to a newer version of Firefox. Then you disappear for like two weeks, which sucks because I've read everything on Digg this morning and I have nothing to do now. But other than that, you've always been there for me since last August when I first discovered you.

Consumerist.com: Even though we've just met, there's a kindred spirit that I think we share. You love listing consumer complaints. I complain about pretty much everything. It's like we were together in a past life. Except that you're not a tangible object and I'm uncomfortably tangible. Anyway, you spend days at a time reminding us of how terrible Comcast, Verizon, WalMart, and so many other retailers are. You're so effective that I'm paralyzed with fear over where to buy anything from socks to computers. According to you, I could have polyesther in my computer or faulty wiring in my Fruit of the Looms. Or something.

Facebook and Myspace: Actually, I'd pretty much hate you two except that you give me birthday reminders and a place to store photos. I don't want to be a vampire, send fake gifts for $1, or rent an apartment from either of you, so knock it off.

Google: It's even fun to say your name. I love your mail, desktop, calendar, blog creator, toolbars, and so much more. I know I cheated on you once with Microsoft, but it was just a fling. There's a long road to earn back your trust, but I just can't live without your IM features and SPAM blocking so I'm willing to put in the time.

I miss your Halloween toolbar theme in the first week of November.

So there you have it- just some of the dozens of reasons that I love the internet. It can be a cruel mistress, or at least find you some websites that are into that type of thing.