What's wrong with executive bathrooms?

Let me preface this by saying this actually happened.

Yesterday the men's room on my floor was out of order, so I seized the opportunity to go up to the executive floor and check out their facilities. We all have the same vision of a white marble room, exhibit-hall sized, with soft music playing and the faint scent of sandlewood, right? Well let me tell you about the harsh realities of my executive men's room experience.

In my fantasy exec bathroom the urinals are like black holes, with flushes so hard you better not stand near them for fear of losing your belt. Water cascades like a torrential downpour. Well not here. The weak dribble of water was eclipsed in disappointment by the sad gurgling sound of the drain fighting to avoid overflow. And no urinal cake! Where's my target?

What I was expecting

How I felt

Saddened, I decided to look into one of the stalls to see if there was a prodigious throne as I had envisioned. Again, a huge letdown. Not only was the toilet dark gray with a plastic seat, but the toilet paper appeared to be single ply. No gold leaf or anything! What the hell?!

Dejected and having seen enough, I moved to the sink to wash my hands. Here is where the story gets a little strange(r). This particular bathroom has the kind of soap dispenser that's mounted on the counter and has a motion sensor to dispense soap. The sink does the same thing, but oddly enough it dispenses water. When I put my hands under the faucet, the soap dispenser shot a glop of soap foam onto my forearm, nowhere near my hands. I stared in disbelief, then moved my forearm under the faucet to rinse off the soap glop. Big mistake. Another glop of soap foam hit me square on the shoulder. Damn it...

The Antichrist

Now I was pissed. I carefully washed my hands while standing as far away from the dispenser as possible, but to no avail. Every time I rinsed my hands, more soap shot onto my arm. It was a nightmare. Eventually I finished my handwashing and proceeded to the automatic paper towel dispenser. What could go wrong here? How about uncontrollable paper allocation? Paper began pouring off of the roll, quickly reaching the floor with no end in sight. Luckily I was quick-witted enough to turn off the lights, which in turn cut power to the machine. Great! Except now I'm in the dark. I fumbled around for a moment, found the six-foot stretch of matted paper and completed my adventure.

Twenty minutes after leaving on my escapade I returned to my desk. I sat down and prepared to complete a report on website traffic when one of my coworkers walked by and said hello. I glanced over and put my chin square in the middle of the forgotten soap glop on my shoulder. Come on!

What's the moral of the story? Executive bathrooms suck, and automated sanitation devices are the devil.