10 animals I wish really existed

Today I was thinking about how awesome it would be if there were more horrifying/amusing creatures roaming the earth today. We were roughly 80 million years too late for dinosaurs, and most of the really good ones that remain- sharks, alligators, tigers, unicorns- can't be found in major metropolitan areas. To make myself feel better, I've compiled a list of ten animals I wish really existed.

Dragopus- This half-mythical, tentacled monstrosity spends most of its time in the ocean or on dry land. What? It's versatile. This offspring of a dragon and an octopus is cursed with being extremely angsty, the result of being born wingless. Thanks, genetics.

Hippopotiraffe- What is 18 feet tall, 7,000 pounds, and has sharp teeth and a bad temper? Normally, when something's chasing you the logical solution is to climb a tree to avoid being eaten. Oops, not an option anymore. Unless you find a 19-foot tall branch, then I guess you're fine.

Shat- What animals terrify women? Rats. And what terrifies men? Sharks. Also Pottery Barn. But I digress... What could be more frightening than either of these? How about a family of 11-ounce, disease carrying rodents with razor-sharp teeth and a penchant for eating human flesh living in your walls. Oh, and they probably like Pottery Barn. Run!!!!

Flamingorilla- 800 pounds; able to climb, run, and open doors; hot pink. No, not RuPaul. You don't want to mess with this thing.

Porcupig- This is perhaps the scariest of those on this list. Imagine the most delicious animal of all time...covered in deadly spikes. Damnit! Come on! Why would anyone do that? If this thing existed, I'd know there was no god.

Lobstorck- Tough exoskeleton, the ability to fly, and AWESOME GIANT CLAWS. Luckily, there is no shortage of butter or lemons, so even if the dreaded Lobstork did exist, it wouldn't for long.

Skunkaroo- The Skunkaroo is terrible because, unlike the common skunk, it's really fast. It's bad enough that it can spray with accuracy to 15 feet, but now it can also chase you through the forest, follow you home at speeds of up to 35 MPH, kick in your front door, and ruin your afternoon.

Coyotter- It hunts in packs and builds a badass fort. Enough said.

Groundharpy- This mythical beast is normally tame until February 2. At precisely 7:25 AM it suddenly snaps, tearing anything around it asunder. Of course, the slaughter lasts for about 3 minutes, then it just goes back to sleep. Bottom line- if you're dumb enough to be anywhere near the Groundharpy when it wakes up, you deserve what happens next.

Vampire Bass- The Vampire Bass gets a bad rap. True, it sucks the blood of the innocent and turns them into denizens of the night, but it's much lower in cholesterol than people think. Pan-seared with a side of potatoes au gratin and you've got quite the delicious unholy meal. Just make sure your recipe doesn't include garlic.

So there you have it, the ten worst corruptions of genetics in the history of the world. Luckily, none of these exist...yet.

Special Note: bonus points for anyone who can capture an image of any of these rare species. I'll be happy to post updates to this article.