4 Useless Things

It occurred to me this morning that there are tons and tons of useless inventions that have somehow managed to cling to life for far too long. Ridiculous inventors have been sitting around in their lairs for years (like those guys who have bubbling beakers of green liquid and electrical current jumping from place to place for no apparent reason in their basements). Today I intend to blow this conspiracy wide open by exposing some of the perpetrators of this elaborate ruse. I present to you, my loyal reader(s?), the worst inventions of all time:

1. The Boomerang

Child: Mommy, I want something completely useless from the fair. Something potentially dangerous, but mostly purposeless.
Mom: Hmmm, let's see if they have a boomerang stand.
Child: Yay! A wooden toy/weapon that I'll never use, perfect!

Secret's out, boomerang. You suck.

The premise behind this stupid thing is awesome enough- it was originally used by Aborigines as a weapon to hunt small and mid-sized creatures. Then? Kick-ass. Now? Waste of time. No one has a giant field in which to throw a boomerang. More importantly, no one takes the time to learn to throw it properly because, when thrown correctly, it comes back and KILLS YOU. I hate this thing.

2. The Moustache

I may catch some flak on this one, but I genuinely believe that the moustache is perhaps man's biggest waste of time. Hear me out, Yosemite Sam. The moustache has many nicknames- Flavor Saver, Misplaced Eyebrow, Sure Sign That You Lack Common Sense- and seems like a counter-intuitive design. No one has ever voiced concern that their upper lip is particularly cold and there should be a way of manipulating human evolution to correct this. Further, growing facial hair is a luxury for the lazy. Shaving everything else and then styling the 'stache is MORE work, thereby contradicting what grizzly patriots have been fighting for since the dawn of time.

This face, and this shirt, were both socially acceptable in the 80's.

Let's take a look at what human ruin the moustache has wrought. Joseph Stalin. Adolf Hitler. Hulk Hogan. The Village People. The list of terror goes on and on. Let this serve as a warning to lip caterpillars everywhere: your evil will no longer be tolerated.

3. Furbies

This is a bit of a throwback, but one that has stuck in my mind since the first time I saw one of these little bastards. Here's the premise- an animatronic freak show designed to interact with users based on voice commands. Here's the problem, or rather, the huge list of problems. First, the thing looks like the unholy union of an owl and an abominable snowman. The eerily large eyes and deformed body convey a jumble of genetic coding found exclusively in the depths of West Virginia.

Under all that fur it looks a lot like the Terminator. How odd...

Second, it never stops talking. Despite your best efforts to kill it, the batteries seem to last forever. Here's a true story: I used to run a video game store, one that carried a particularly large selection of toys during the holiday season. Guess what item spontaneously turned on during the second week of November and didn't shut up for a month and a half? You guessed it. We were eventually forced to (and yes, we really did this) drown it in the sink to get it to stop making periodic dumb noises throughout the day.

Third, someone decided to make accessories that kids simply HAD to have. Here's a prime example:

I'd rather slam my face in a car door than read this.

The worst part of the Furbie epidemic is the fact that it opened the door for a number of annoying robotic pets. I'm sure that at the core of this whole economic disaster is a Tickle Me Elmo laughing his furry red ass off.

4. The two-dollar bill and other equally pointless units of currency

Oh two-dollar bill, I can't imagine why you were ever removed from circulation. Maybe it was the fact that NO ONE NEEDS YOU...EVER. Carrying two one-dollar bills in not an inconvenience. In fact, it's a pleasure because I know that I can get anything on the McDonald's dollar menu and have change left over. The two-dollar bill was a waste of a perfectly good political figure in Thomas Jefferson, and should have been used for someone dumb like President William Howard Taft instead:

"I was as useless as the bill I should have been printed on." -WHT

Beyond the immensely stupid $2 bill, we have the $.50 piece. Now I'll give this one a little slack because I liked Kennedy, but why does it have to be the size of a frisbee? Two quarters is far more manageable and won't leave your pocket swaying like a sack of marbles, either. What else could this coin be used for? Paper weight? Coaster? Manhole cover? All of the above.

Shown 1/3 actual size

Also receiving an honorable mention in this list is the nickel. The dime is twice your value and half your size. You're not as bad as the half-dollar, but you're still a waste of valuable uranium.

So there are some of the things I find to be completely useless. What are some of yours and why?