So it’s been a while since I posted, mostly due to immense laziness and a lingering bout with ADHD. However, something’s been going on since my last post that has me a little weirded out and I need to figure this mother out. As some of you know I began working for a new company a few months ago. Company’s great. People’re great. Work’s great. No complaints… well, except for one bit of seemingly inexplicable conduct that I just can’t understand. I’m speaking of the goings-on in the men’s room.
This won’t be some kind of seedy tale of degenerates doing the unthinkable- despite knowing who the author is. No, instead this is a story of the bizarre and just plain creepy. And not the good kind. Let me give you a few examples.
Exhibit 1:
During my second week in the office I had my first encounter with the twilight zone. The men’s room is laid out thusly: three stalls immediately positioned upon entrance. The first is handicapped and then two standard ones. Next to them are three urinals, positioned so all six waste disposal stations are in a row. Mirrors and sinks on opposite wall, narrow walkway. So the whole thing looks like a long rectangle. I should also mention that this is not a large restroom, just enough room to get the job done so to speak.
Well I walked into the restroom and all three stalls were occupied. A little odd since my floor is sparsely populated, but not unheard of. However, it wasn’t until I reached the urinal that I realized what was going on. All three of the men in the stalls were talking to each other. Having a full conversation. In another language. And laughing. Seriously?!?
For those who are not aware of man code, there is absolutely no talking whatsoever when in a stall, and even urinal discussion is largely frowned upon unless there was an existing conversation between compatriots entering the men’s room- and even then it must be about sports or a period of silence is required. To hear individuals conversing with each other while in stalls, in a group- while laughing- is just about the worst thing that can happen. An abomination. People have been exiled from foreign lands for less (provided they have indoor plumbing). I left the bathroom in utter shock and dismay. But the adventure didn’t end there.
Exhibit 2:
A few weeks later, after recovering from the PTSD, I once again found myself in a world of disbelief. I walked in to find a fellow employee at the middle urinal (this in itself is not ok per the aforementioned code) with his right arm resting comfortably on the urinal divider. Like someone who rests their elbow on an open-windowed car door. First of all, at no time is someone to violate the boundary of the urinal divider, regardless of the presence of another person in the restroom. Second, how lazy can you be to require an armrest to take a leak? I don’t think even I’m capable of requiring that type of relief from gravity. Third, his other arm was clearly at his side (no violation of man code as I was forced to observe it as a side-effect of walking past him for the last urinal). What was he doing? Just letting it do whatever it wants? Bad form.
Exhibit 3:
This last one was perhaps the most uncomfortable of the three events, and to be honest I get chills just thinking about it now. I was at the last urinal taking care of business when the door opened and someone walked in. He walked to the urinal next to me (the middle one) so I should have expected something strange was happening since there was a perfectly good and functional empty urinal closer to the door. After a moment or two I can feel that something isn’t right, and I glance up and realize that he’s staring at the side of my head. Not glancing over, outright staring at me.
This is about right...
And then this exchange takes place:
Him: “You look familiar, do I know you?”
Me: “Uh, what?”
Him: “Yeah, I think I know you. You must have one of those faces.”
Me: “…”
Me: “no”
(finish, zip, wash hands, run)
I couldn’t believe it either. May your dreams be as twisted as mine have.
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